Friday, February 24, 2012

Moma.....She took the weeds with the flowers!

My heart has been heavier than normal recently.  I have been thinking of my mom quite a bit these last few weeks.  It has been a little over two years since she passed away from a brain tumor.  She was so vibrant and active and her death came so suddenly.  She was diagnosed in April 2009, had the tumor removed and in five months it had returned and she died.  This has been the hardest time in my entire life.  I lost my dad almost 9 years ago and that was difficult but my children were small and having them to take care of distracted me in a way from the daily loss.  My children are older now and are past the point of needing me on a daily basis...that's sad in itself but so proud they are becoming responsible young adults, that's what we strive for as parents, but I have too much free time to reflect on the loss of my mom.
I was able to stay with my mom quite a bit the last five months of her life, we kept her at home and did chemo and radiation several times a week.  The daily activities kept me busy along with my siblings tending to her daily needs.  When the tumor returned we knew our time with her was limited.  I never thought I would ever experience something so devastating in my life.  I know we are all going to die but knowing it is approaching quickly and not being able to do anything about it other than sit and watch it happen is such a helpless feeling.  My mom was so brave, she was slowly losing her ability to do the daily things like eat and walk alone but the most devastating lose to me was her voice.  The tumor was attacking her brain area which controls speech.  The thought of never hearing my mom call my name or have a conversation with her made my heart so sad.   She adapted and started communicating with her facial expressions and boy did she have some funny expressions.  Her sense of humor was evident even without saying a word!
I came across this poem today that expressed just how I feel about her each day.  I know she is with God and we will meet again but my heart hurts each day without her.  She was not only my mom but my best friend!
This poem is for her...LOVE YOU MOMA!

you can shed tears that she is gone 
or you can smile because she has lived. 
you can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back               
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. 
your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love that you shared. 
you can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday                                                           
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
you can remember her and only that she's gone 
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. 
you can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back 
or you can do what she'd want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.   
                                                                          -David Harkins-

You never get too old to need your MOM.  
She always took the weeds with the flowers and said "How Beautiful"!
We love you Moma!

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